MY WEEK AT THE GYM.

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a

regular workout routine.

(No! This is not a true story of mine) I just thought you okes might enjoy it.

 

Dear Diary:

For an early Christmas present this year, my wife, Mandy (the dear)

Purchased a week of personal training at a local health club for me.

This was to assist me in getting into shape for the 2008 Enduro season.

 

Although I am still in fair shape since playing on my school rugby team

25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a

try.

 

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named

Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and

Model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

 

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club

encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

 

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the

health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek

goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.

She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to

Standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful

Way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

 

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my

Gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

 

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then

she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I

made the full K. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

 

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to

steer or stop. I parked on top of a UNO in the club parking lot. Belinda was

impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club

members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and

when she shouts, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the

stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an

activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in

shape and enjoy life.

She said some other stuff too.???

 

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her

thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl I couldn't help being a half

an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.

She sent Sven to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing

Machine, which I sank of course!

 

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any

other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little

cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body could move without

unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on

my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the

floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a

Cheese burger. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition

teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the

choir director?

 

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly

voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to

smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to

even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel.

 

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my

wife, Amanda (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a

root canal or a vasectomy!!